You’re… Getting… Very… Sleepy


Hypnosis is a profound state of relaxation. Judy swears I’ve been in that state for the last twenty years.

Actually Mel Brooks hypnotized me while I was watching his movie, “High Anxiety,” on television. I’ve been a little twitchy ever since. My doctor can prove it.

We subscribe to various publications in our office for original ideas. All newspapers do. One publication for women from a coastal South Carolina town featured an ad that advertised hypnosis as a healthy approach to help overcome human frailties like smoking, overeating, high anxiety and more. You name it; they can float it out of your mind.

I am not against hypnosis. I’m sure it works. But, the ad suggests that if you are short on time you can call them and do an ‘over the telephone hypnosis’ program.

“Eureka,” I thought. What a way to lose a few pounds. I called.

“Hello, this is Serena, how may I help you?”

“Hi, Serena, this is Bill from Tennessee. I’ve got a problem with my weight and don’t have time to drive to South Carolina. Can I get your telephone program?”

“Well, Bill, that depends on your receptivity.”

“I’m receptive. You see, I have a late middle age problem many of us men face today. Our bellies are big and most of us have derriere migratorius. There’s not much to do for the derriere but I’d like to lose a few pounds in the middle. I watched Mel Brook’s movie, ‘High Axiety’ once, too,” I explained.

“We’ve got a 15-minute telephone program and a 30-minute hypnosis session,” Serena explained.

“How about the 15-minute deal? I’m on my newspaper deadline,” I replied.

“I’ll get the professor to speak with you, the renowned Professor Billy Joe Dupree. His credentials include hypnotizing the late Billy Carter into giving up beer,” the receptionist explained. “I’ll need two credit card numbers in case you need another session,” she added.

“Hi thar, brother,” Announced Professor Dupree. “You say you need to lose a few pounds around the middle. Ate too much during COVID eh?” the concerned professor addressed.

“Yea, but just a few,” I answered back.

“Ok brother, we’ll start with a little mood music. How about a little South Carolina beach music to soothe your soul?” he asked.

“Sounds good to me. I relate to the song “Be Young, Be Foolish, Be Happy,” by the Tams. That’s the way I like to live,” I responded.

“Don’t have that one. How about “Under The Boardwalk?” he asked. “Are you under stress?”

“Are you kidding? Professor, I’m a newspaper publisher and I’m on deadline right now. Hurry up,” I exclaimed.

“Ok, keep your britches on. You need to relax. Listen to the music. You’re gettin sleepy….very sleepy…pay attention,” Billy Joe said.

The song started…

‘Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof
And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire proof
Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be….’

“You like that? Great song. Close your eyes. Think about the most relaxing and comfortable place you can be. Put your mind and body in that place,” Professor Billy Joe softly murmured.

“Hey, Billy Joe, can I think of food, too?” I asked.

“No, not while the music’s playing…relax Bill,” Brother Dupree countered.

I did feel a bit relaxed. I could see myself snoozing under the boardwalk with a tall glass of liquid. I visualized being able to fit into a pair of sleek Speedos. The song continued to play.

“Hey, professor I’m getting hungry lying here. I’ve been on two diets. One diet wasn’t enough food. I’m trying to keep my appetite down,” I told him.

“You what! Two diets won’t work. No wonder you can’t lose weight,” as he spoke louder. “Try again. Close your eyes.”

I begin to think this telephone hypnosis was not going to work for me. Maybe it’s designed just for women since the ad was in a women’s publication. Women will try anything we all know.

“Hey professor…I think I need to try something else, maybe exercise,” I said.

“Hold on brother. You bought the 15-minute program. At least you can listen to another song,” he suggested.

“Thanks anyway. I think I’ll just watch another Mel Brook’s movie. Bye, bye” I sleepily said.


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