Compiled by Bill Derby, Publisher
[News clippings that actually appeared in print…]
• A seven-pound baby boy arrived last night to frighten the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Peter Calder.
• Beauty Queen unveils bust at dedication ceremony.
• Before the verdict was rendered this morning, Miss Mexico told interviewers that if the court freed her, she would become a nut.
• His friends could give no reason why he should have committed suicide. He is single.
• Home furnishings magazine: Mr. Frenkal won the national bedding award from the National Association. Mr. Frenkal has ten children.
• If we would only send young American tenors to stud abroad, they would return immensely improved.
• In department store: Bath towels for your whole damp family.
• Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher returned yesterday from Hawaii, where they spent two weeks of unallowed pleasure.
• Mr. and Mrs. Oliver Sloan request the pleasure of your presents at the marriage of their daughter.
• Mr. and Mrs. Sleyman have lied most of their married life in Hartford.
• Mr. Oakum lives with his wife, his high-school sweetheart, and three sons.
• Mrs. Jensen of the Home Garden Club gave a short talk on how to keep ants out of your blooming pants.
• News column: Gerry Mirville, the district attorney, then forcefully addressed the jury and gummed up the case.
• On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
• Overcome by gas while taking a bath, she owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor.
• She went into the hospital after being bitten by a spider in a bathing suit.
• Society column: Their annual ball was held last night at the Hilton Hotel. Seldom have we seen such a glittering display of beaux and bellies.
• Social notes: He is visiting our town with his bitter half.
• Telegram to wife: HAVING WONDERFUL TIME. WISH YOU WERE HER.
• The all-girl orchestra was rather weak in the bras section.
• The bride and the mother were in the deceiving line.
• The chief is inclined to believe that a crossed wife might be the cause of the fire.
• The head of the investment firm would not say whether, in his own private holdings, he was more interested in stocks or blonds.
• The President, who has been sick for several days, is now in bed with a coed.
• The Red Cross paid for emergency care and later found a free bed for him in an institution specializing in the treatment of artcritics.
• The report was signed by five faulty members of the university.
• There are millions of desirable women who are unattacked, and hungry for love.
• They were married and lived happily even after.
• Upon arriving at the Honolulu airport, two men were given coveted lays by Hawaiian maidens.
• Vote for Jordan Barns – your fiend in City Hall.
• Wanted: Job as a janitor. Long experience. Expert moper.
• When his wife called from London, Mr. Fandish said, “It was wonderful to hear her voice and realize she was over three thousand miles away.”
