The Royals are in the news again and it ain’t the Tanenbaum’s.


For goodness sake the actual royal royals are in the news again with Meagan and Harry headed to the Western Hemisphere. The media were quick to jump on the story so they wouldn’t have to keep mumbling ‘impeachment’ or ‘off with his head.’

Now, Queen Elizabeth is on the hot seat again, no, shall we say, the hot throne trying to keep her royals in line and all in the family. It was only a few months ago naughty Prince Andrew put the family in the dog house when Buckingham Palace confirmed that the Duke of York was “standing back from all his patronages.” According to inside sources a common English description of his failings has been described as, “His goose is cooked!”

In addition to keeping her purse handy Queen Elizabeth now has to deal with Meagan and Harry’s decision to move and sow their own oats. Let’s all wish them well and welcome them to Canada or the other western country of California if they so choose.

On Monday’s noon news the Queen had made her decision about Harry and Meagan’s decision. The Queen gave her blessing saying, “Okay, go forth!”

Way back in 2005 I wrote a couple of columns about the royals, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles. What was in Queen Elizabeth’s purse and why did Prince Charles keep his hand in his suit pocket in public? After querying numerous Anglophiles I found out.

I was disturbed with Prince Charles’ habit of keeping his right hand in his suit pocket. What’s the guy carrying in his coat pocket…a couple of steel ball bearings like Humphrey Bogart in “The Cain Mutiny” or was it something simple like a rabbit’s foot?

Laura Bush finally found out and spilled the beans in her memoirs book…. Laura wrote, “When Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, came to visit us, they requested glasses of ice before we began a long receiving line. The staff dutifully produced them, and the Prince removed a flask from his pocket and added to each a small splash of what I presume was straight gin, so that they might be fortified before the hour of shaking hands.’”

Prince Charles is next in line as King Charles. He may have to keep his hand out of his pocket. Camilla can’t be queen either since she is divorced and her ex is still living. She must settle for a lesser moniker like Duchess of Liverpool or something like that. The best she can hope for is to have a passenger ship named after her, Camilla’s Carnival Cruise.

Other problems persist. How does Prince Charles get mail? He doesn’t have a last name. Think about it. Actually, he does. Under intense investigation I was able to uncover his real last name. It’s Charlie Saxe-Coburg-Gothe, really. During WWI his great granddaddy, King George, did not want their name associated with any German ancestry. In 1917 George decided to take the name of his castle, Windsor. So if you want to write Prince Charles, his name is Chuck Windsor. Johnson City’s famous Windsor Hotel was also named after King George according to my Dad.

The most important royal issue at hand is, “what really is in the Queen’s purse?” I doubt the Queen carries a flask of gin in her purse but she could. Maybe that’s where the Prince picked up his habit.

Some people have guessed she carries carfare, a picture ID, and a load of makeup. Since she isn’t required to have a driver’s license, does she need an insurance card? She also might carry a toothpick or a wad of dental floss from eating all that roast goose. That’s where the saying, “your goose is cooked” came from. After all the trouble in Windsor Castle with her kids, sister, their ex-spouses and such, “your goose is cooked,” is used quite often I suspect. She might carry a little black book to keep up with the entire royal level goings on.

Does she carry a cell phone or even an I-pod for her favorite ditties? What does she do if she sees something that appeals to her tastes at Harrods’ Dept. Store? That would require a checkbook or credit card.

With all those rooms in Windsor Castle she must carry a keychain. She is an animal lover too and I bet she does carry some dried cooked goose for her Welsh Corgi dogs. They love leftovers.

Queen Elizabeth needs some up-to-date clothing from Harrods’s and still wears clothes that went out of date in the 1950’s. A cute pants suit would be nice and then she could wear one of those around-the-waist fanny packs.

Enough, enough…off with my head. Here within is the exact stuff in her purse she carries in the crook of her arm. Inside is a royal comb, but I don’t know why; a hanky, for tears or runny nose; a small gold compact; and a tube of lipstick. It’s only the simple necessities for a queen.

However, royal sources also say her purse doubles as a signal device. She uses her purse to communicate with her servants. When she shifts the bag from one arm to another, it means she is ready to scram. If she sets her purse on the floor, it’s another bad sign. She finds the conversation boring and wants to escape. If the royal bag dangles happily from the crook of her left arm, she is happy and relaxed.


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