The Case of the Disappearing Glasses


“Hey Judy, have you seen my glasses? I can’t find them anywhere.”

“Wait a minute, I’ll help you look,” came her reply.

I hope other people have my problem. I suppose the aging process must have something to do with it. It could be called “CFMS….Can’t….Find….My….Stuff.”

I looked here. I looked there. Couldn’t find my glasses, anywhere. It was getting to the critical point. Search time was running out.

I might have to put on my old worn out glasses discarded and stuck away in a drawer.

Years ago when I fished or spent time floating down a river I wore glass ‘thang-ma-jigs’ what held on to your glasses in case you fell overboard. A Florida Keys fishing guide showed me his technique of how not to lose your glasses. It works too.

While trout fishing I once fell smack dab in the middle of freezing creek water in South Dakota. When I surfaced I still had my glasses wrapped around my neck.

“Here they are, just where you left them last night,” Judy yelled from the den.

My eye doctor told me I didn’t need bifocals, so to read I have to take my glasses off. Many times I push them back on my head, hang them from my front pocket, or hang them out my mouth. It’s down right frustrating to keep losing them.

I decided to go back to the fisherman ‘thang-ma-jigs’ what hold on to your glasses. Now when I can’t find my glasses they’re hanging around my neck. It’s happened a couple of times. I admit it. Judy points and laughs.

It works but has a downside. Hanging around my neck the glasses tend to catch everything that falls off my face, out of my mouth or off my head, which is substantial.

After every meal there is evidence of what I had to eat splattered on my glasses. Sneezing creates another whole set of problems, especially now during allergy season. Can’t scratch my head either. You’d be amazed what falls out of your head. Drooling is totally out like when you nap a little.

Instead of cleaning my glasses every other day, now it’s about twice a day. But, that’s okay. I know where they are.

It’s interesting living in Tennessee now. Over the past year I have met many nice people who have moved here from California, New York and even a nice couple from Vermont. I found the following list of habits they may need to learn about Tennesseans so they can feel right at home.

You can tell if you might be from Tennessee if…

• You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
• You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame
• You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
• You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
• Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
• Your dog goes “oink!”
• You use the term “over yonder” more than once a month.
• You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.


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