This is true. I saw a comment from a person on the internet who enjoys the change of seasons about how hot it’s been in these parts…. “I’m enjoying the cooler September Fall 91 degree weather compared to this past August’s 93 degree weather.”
• It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
• I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
• A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
• What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
• You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
• There was a prison break and I saw a short prisoner climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
• If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
• A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
• Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
• How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
• What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
• Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
• What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
• My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
• What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
• Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
• What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
• What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
• Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?” – Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
• Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
• What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
• I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
• Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
• Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
• Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
• I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
• You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
• What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
• Dry erase boards are remarkable.
