Police were called to a day care center where a two-year-old was resisting a rest


By Bill Derby

A friend of mine put these ‘Tickle Your Funny Bone’ thoughts out for publication and I found a few other funny quotes to consider.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type A blood, but was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns, it was a play on words.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro: what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

• The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

• Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?

• There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

• If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

• A backward poet writes inverse.

• In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

• You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

• I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times, I lost count.

• The phone call interrupted my nap, and I never did get the rest.

• A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

• John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.

• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

• The batteries were given out free of charge.

• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

• When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

• Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.


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