Philosophy 101— I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.


I loved philosophy so much I took the same class twice. At least, to the best of my memory, that’s what I told my dad.

“Dad, these philosophy dudes are really cool. They are expanding my general knowledge and level of intense metaphysical introspection,” I explained.

“That D you see on my grade card should really be a C, and according to Ludwig Wittgenstein, whose ideas in his opinion, were generally misunderstood or distorted. Dad, that grade is surely distorted!” Didn’t work of course.

Below are some metaphysical distortions I found that make perfectly good sense.

The Chair That Doesn’t Exist Final eccentric college exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”-

  • I was thrown out of college for cheating in my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the person next to me.’
  • “Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.” — Pavlov’s Dog
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
  • Families are like fudge … mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • Give some women an inch, and they’ll rearrange or redecorate it
  • Ideas are great provided they don’t degenerate into work
  • If you’re “not yourself today”, enjoy it while ya can
  • If a man’s “Captain of his ship”, his wife’s likely the Admiral
  • If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
  • Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  • Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
  • Maybe he/she doesn’t “act stupid”; it might be the real thing
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years
  • People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

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