Ok, here are some new one-liners for a mid-week chuckle. I didn’t get the Kayne West/Kim Kardashian joke but I think it has something to do with what they named their first couple of kids.
• My buddy and I were in a pub debating where the barman originates. I said he was an Eskimo. He said Native American. Turns out he was an Eskimo. Inuit all along.
• My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me.
• I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel.
• Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing.
• Where does Mark Antony get his hair cut? In-a-barbus.
• If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
• I was really disappointed that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian didn’t call their new kid Wicky Wicky Wicky Wild Wild.
• Went to my garden and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.
• Whenever I’m on a date with a girl I tell her she has an amazing laugh to trick her into thinking she’s been laughing a lot.
• “Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.” “Was it something I said?” asks the son. “Yes.”
• I’m dating a PE teacher at the moment. So I am literally embracing my childhood fears.
• My husband never learned to drive – in my opinion.
• I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
• I went to Barnes and Noble and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little heads.”
• So much for Taylor Swift. She sent back my trousers unmended!
• Someone threatened to attack me with the neck of a guitar. I asked ‘is that a fret?’
• How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand!
• I went to the doctor the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
