Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Governmentium.
Governmentium has no electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. Governmentium does have, however, 1 neutron, 100 assistant sentrons, 435 vice reptrons, and hundreds of assistant vice aidtrons, giving it an atomic mass of 536. These 536 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. They are surrounded by large quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the recent study, a minute amount of Governmentium caused one reaction to take over 30 days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Governmentium has a half-life of approximately two or 1 year. However, it does not decay in the usual way, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the sentrons, reptrons and aidtrons exchange places, and most of the peons are let go.
Governmentium mass increases over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become sentrons, forming new isotopes, and attracting peons, often the same peons from other isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion and peon attraction leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is spontaneously formed whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the Critical Morass.
Governmentium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and, where it is allowed to accumulate, can destroy any productive reactions. Attempts are being made to determine how Governmentium can be controlled to prevent such irreversible damage, but results have not been promising.
New Word Definitions
- AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
- CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
- DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
- ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
- FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
- LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
- PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
- PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
- PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
- TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.