“Has your invitation arrived?”


By Bill Derby, Publisher

The invitation reads…”We cordially invite you and a guest of your choice to attend the coronation of King Charles and his Queen Consort, Her Respectfulness, Camilla, in ceremonies May 6, in the year of our Lord 2023. A reception will follow with dining and dancing to Mike Love and The Beach Boys followed by tea and crumpets. You may pick up your pre-paid ticket and seat assignment on Virgin Airways piloted by Sir Richard Branson via your Tri-Cities Regional Airport…”

“Wake up, Bill…it’s time to go to work,” said Judy.

As I slowly awoke I thought, what a dream. It seemed so real. I’ve been watching too much TV news. My father always joked about the royals. He got a kick out of the pomp and circumstance. I inherited it too.

Wonderful news issued from the castle recently as King Charles and Camilla prepared for the impending coronation. Before her recent death the beloved Queen Elizabeth gave her blessing by announcing that Camilla could be considered Charles’ Queen Consort, saying, “Okay…go forth!”

Officially Camilla can never become Queen of England. The Duchess of Cornwall will not become the monarch because the throne can only be inherited. This means that members who are married into the royal family cannot take the throne. However, the title of Queen Consort as she “continues her own loyal service”, Queen Elizabeth II said before her death.

Camilla and Charles were once sweethearts in the early 70’s. They both went down different country lanes, their love separated by conflicting responsibilities, interests and Charles’ procrastination. As we all know, history has moved on with both Camilla and King Charles.

At the May 6 coronation, Charles, 74, and Camilla, 75, will be the oldest King and Queen Consort crowned in British history. Charles is not even close to winning any “American Idol” look alike awards but with the new crown will be the cat’s meow. However, let’s wish him and Camilla all the happiness in the world. You know what they say….

“There is never a pot so crooked that there is not a lid should fit it.”

I’ve always wondered what King Charles carried around in his left coat pocket. He’s all the time got his hand stuck down in his pocket. It might be a rabbit’s foot or something, maybe even lipstick, or some Preparation H, a lucky lotto ticket, who knows. Whatever it is, he likes it.

Why does King Charles keep his hand in his suit pocket in public? After querying numerous Anglophiles I found out.

Laura Bush finally found out and spilled the beans in her book of memoirs. Laura wrote, “When Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, came to visit us, they requested glasses of ice before we began a long receiving line. The staff dutifully produced them, and the Prince removed a flask from his pocket and added to each a small splash of what I presume was straight gin, so that they might be fortified before the hour of shaking hands.’”

There you have it, drinking on the job. As King, Charles will probably have Camilla keep the flask in her handy bag which she carried much like Queen Elizabeth did on every occasion.

It is rumored that Campfire Gin from the Puddingstone Distillery is the new King’s favorite gin.

When they were married in 2005 some said Charles and Camilla put off their wedding until she was way past childbearing age. Otherwise, there might be too many kids standing in line for the kingship or queenship.

Before Queen Elizabeth bestowed Camilla’s new title she was scheduled to settle for a lesser moniker like Duchess of Liverpool or something like that. The best she can hope for then was to have a passenger ship named after her, Camilla’s Carnival Cruise.

How does King Charles get mail? He doesn’t have a last name. Think about it. Actually, he does. Under intense investigation I was able to uncover his real last name. It’s Charlie Saxe-Coburg-Gothe, really true. During WWI his great granddaddy, King George, did not want their name associated with any German ancestry. In 1917 George decided to take the name of his castle, Windsor. So if you want to write Charles, address it to his new name, King Charles Windsor. Johnson City’s famous Windsor Hotel was also named after King George according to my Dad.

You might say that Camilla is robbing the cradle, too. She is a year older than Charles. Whatever we say about her, Camilla is one lucky girl. She can ride around in horse-drawn carriages, cruise on the Royal Yacht on the Thames, and watch Charles play cricket along with other various royal duties with a bottle of Campfire Gin in her pocketbook.

Celebrate the coronation this weekend.


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