Funnies for rainy days…


Compiled by Bill Derby

My Trip To The Store: How to get a senior citizen’s attention while shopping
Clear instructions at the cashier’s desk goes a long way.

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear!

A Banjo enthusiasts joke
Johnny proudly drove his new VW Beetle convertible into town and had his shiny banjo nestling in the back seat.

He had walked half way around the block from the parked car when he realised that the sunny weather had prompted him to leave the hood down… with his banjo in the back.

He ran all the way back to his car, but it was too late…another five banjos had been dumped in the car.

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.

• Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?

Answer: Their middle names.

• Two cannibals are eating a slow roasted comedian and one says to the other,
“Does this taste funny to you?”

Two Clothes To Call
A blonde looked to her husband and stated, “Dear, a man came yesterday gathering contributions for the old clothes drive.”

“Did you give him anything?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” she replied. “I gave him that ten-year old suit of yours and that dress I bought last month.”

Driver’s License
A man was reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.

He helped the elderly driver out of the car, and sat him on a lawn chair. “My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”

“Yes,” he replied, “I am old enough that I don’t need a license. The last time I went to my Doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes, and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them into a wastebasket. You won’t be needing this anymore,” he said.

“So I thanked him and left.”


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