Compiled by Bill Derby
Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”
The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
2. You were not shot in the fracas?
No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
3. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
4. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
5. I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
6. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
7. Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
8. What happened then?
He told me, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Did he kill you?
9. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
10. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
11. Were you alone or by yourself?
12. Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?
13. How long have you been a French Canadian?
14. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
15. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
16. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
17. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
18. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I’ll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?
19. So you were gone until you returned?
20. She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
21. You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
22. Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
23. All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Oral.
24. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
25. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
26. Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.
27. “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
“There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
“Can you identify the rifle?”
“Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
“And what did the writing say?”
“‘Winchester’!”
28. “Sir, what is your IQ?”
“Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”
29. “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
“He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”
