Note….I found the 2020 resolutions transmitted via wired transmission of some new electronic communication devices dreamed up by Nikola Tesla in the early 1900’s.
I will…
• Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube.
• Check my work e-mail account at least once this year.
• Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
• Watch less TV . . . in standard definition.
• Stop buying worthless junk on Amazon I always return and shop local who have better specials.
• Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
• Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost-covered windshield..
• Talk with a robot voice all the time.
• Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve just brushed my teeth.
• Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
• Watch more movie remakes.
• Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
• Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I’m being interviewed.
• Spend less than $1,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
• Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
• Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you’ll never find it.
• Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year’s holidays.
• Find a more accurate scale.
• Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15.
• Stop buttering my doughnuts.
• Eat more fruit . . . snacks.
• Pay off my credit cards every month in full… with my other credit cards.
• Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I’m figuring my taxes.
• Look for investors for my “home office” business.
• Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
• Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
• My goal in 2020… to brush Tom Brady’s hair.
• Increase my ‘relationship status’ from ‘Forever Alone’ to ‘Slightly Desperate!’
• To never again take sleeping pills and a laxative on the same night.
• To get away from ‘toxic people’, wait, I’m the one that’s toxic.
• My New Year’s resolution is to become more assertive if that’s okay with you guys.
• Just burnt 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave Brownies in the oven while I nap.
• Spend less time interacting with people and more time with my phone. Going pretty well so far.
• Not to go to the Gym on days of the week ending in Y.
• Remember to take my meds regularly. “Oh look, a Purple Dragon!”
• My New Year’s resolution is to not put myself in situations where I puke.
