Compiled by Bill Derby, Publisher
I’ve always enjoyed puns but the reason why I dropped out of communism class was because of the lousy Marx. I was only using broken pencils which were pointless. Then yesterday a girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian class, but I’d never met herbivore.
After all that, I started to read a book about anti-gravity which was hard to put down. I stayed up all night reading and wanted to see where the sun went down. Then it dawned on me. It later became foggy which I tried to catch but mist.
During the 2012 London Olympics I heard a news announcer saying all the London toilets had been stolen but the police had nothing to go on. One of the German marathoners said German sausages are great. I think they are the ‘wurst.’ I told that runner exaggeration is a billion times worse than an understatement.
One Olympian asked a London policeman if there was a kidney bank nearby, no there is a Liverpool he replied. Later a French tennis player told me where to find a French pancake but they give me the crepes. I bought a pair of new running shoes instead with Velcro, what a rip off.
The Olympic athletes really keep in good shape. The guy that won the gold in karate said his school cafeteria served mainly chops. I told him I knew a guy addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. I asked that dummy if the name, Pavlov rang a bell.
(This is true: A few weeks ago a gentleman came in the office looking for this puntastic story to share with his Sunday School class and I thought it was worth publishing again!)
I was recently driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. I said, “Fix the darn thing pal.”
While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he’s hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.
I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s Squids, just for the halibut.
Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, “Salmon Chanted Evening”, and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.
One of them was this cute minnow, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun. But she said things I just couldn’t fathom, she was too deep. She seemed to be under a lot of pressure.
Boy could she drink, she drank like a… She drank a lot! I said, “What’s your sign?” She said, “Aquarium, but you better watch out for my boyfriend.” And she wasn’t kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I’ve ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels.
He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don’t you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Abalone. You’re just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy’s gonna need a sturgeon.”
Well, the minnow was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you’re really a game fish, what’s your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing.