By Bill Derby
A friend of mine put these ‘Tickle Your Funny Bone’ thoughts out for publication and I found a few other funny quotes to consider.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type A blood, but was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns, it was a play on words.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro: what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
• The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?
• There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
• If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
• You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
• I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times, I lost count.
• The phone call interrupted my nap, and I never did get the rest.
• A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
• John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
• Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
