By Bill Derby
Our granddaughter just graduated from ETSU last week. Now, if that doesn’t make you feel older and a senior, read the statements below by eight-year-old children. They ease the pain.
• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
• They like other people’s children.
• A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!
• Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
• They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.
• It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
• They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
• They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’
• Usually they are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• They wear glasses and funny underwear.
• They can take their teeth and gums out.
• Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
• They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
• When they read to us, they don’t skip.
• They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us…
• They know we should have snack time before bedtime.
• They say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
• Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!
• He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
• A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ‘’Oh,’’ he said, “She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Just for Fun!
Gambling Chips: Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Government Measurement: Flagpole math for construction crews
Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said. “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the government.
Irish Birth Control: Lights out for the Roman candle
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?”
She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”
The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”
She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”
The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.”
She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.” They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”
She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!”
The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”
She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all!”
The Father said, “That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?”
She replied, “E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer dang candle.”