By Bill Derby
The dictionary meaning of drivel: nonsense, twaddle, claptrap, balderdash, gibberish, mumbo jumbo and, my favorites, bull or flapdoodle.
People ask me all the time (does that sound familiar)? Bill, where do you come up with all that stuff in your column?
I explain, “It comes from years of intense study, thought and research.”
That statement quickly qualifies as flapdoodle with a little bull thrown in. Honestly, I don’t have a clue. I do have a favorite joke website I discovered in 2001 but it’s on re-run now with the same jokes I saw in 2001 popping back up today. It’s only been 16 years. MASH re-runs are back too.
I do try to infuse humor into this space. Gee whiz, we need to laugh more. Watching today’s opinion news talking heads eliminates any possibility of humor, stomach cramps, yes. Good news reporting is hard to find today, IMHO. I still can’t figure out the TV show, ‘Naked and Afraid,’ LOL. Is there value or intelligence associated with blurry naked people running through the jungle? We need more LOL, IMHO. (LOL, IMHO for textually active readers.) Oops, there’s another column claptrap.
To fill this space I do look for ideas and sometimes try to sneak by my censor, Judy the bride. I think this one made it.
Since I had my first colonoscopy a year or so ago I’ve wanted to write about it in a humorous way. Anyone who has been through the experience knows what I’m talking about. Since I waited so long to have my first at 70 years old as an admitted ‘chicken little,’ the doc said I had dodged a bullet. I should not have waited so long and, yes, I agreed with him. He also said I had the colon of an 18-year old but the rest of me looks 70.
The cool looking doc said, “See you again when you hit 80.”
I responded, “I sure hope so too!”
The reason I shared that personal event was a column I found on the internet a few weeks ago that had me laughing out loud in my office. It was a column about getting a colonoscopy by Dave Barry, a renowned author, humorist and Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper columnist. Hey, just like me, a ‘chicken little.’ Dave had also waited to have his procedure long after he was 50, the recommended time for the event. I related to his experience and he plays guitar in a band also.
Dave’s column was hilariously funny but also very serious about everyone getting this procedure when they turn 50. It’s a walk in the park. But, and that’s a big but, the prep before is the only slightly uncomfortable part. You could think of it as an interesting medical experience.
Dave writes about his prep before the medical procedure…. “I left my doctor’s office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called “MoviPrep,” which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.
“In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.”
Dave further expands on his experience…. “The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
“MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.”
Dave later explains the procedure is essentially, nothing. You get a sleep sedative and then wake up feeling fine. I agree, there is nothing to it and he later stresses the importance of having it done when you are supposed to. His brother contracted colon cancer but caught it early. If you are a ‘chicken little’ and also want to laugh out loud please read Dave Barry’s full column. You can find it archived on the internet titled: Dave Barry: A journey into my colon—and yours.
His books are filled with humor on many subjects. Scott Robertson, our Business Journal editor, lent me one of Dave’s books and I plan on buying a few more since I love to laugh out loud.
I have also been blessed with many life experiences and opportunities that offer great fodder for column ideas. I just need to dredge up a few more hundred flapdoodles.