By Bill Derby
Humm……………? What would I do with $1.4 billion? That’s a tough question. Here are a few ideas. Should I run down to get a post-nup drawn up? I figure since I’ve been married for as long as I have it would be a “way-past-post-nup!” Judy wouldn’t sign it anyway.
It’s not really $1.4 billion, but it’s enough.
I’ve never bought a lottery ticket before and they say you have a better chance of getting run over on the way to purchase a ticket. I just might buy one for fun.
• I think first, I would pay Sean Penn to stop his acting career. He looks like he’s been run over a few dozen times and by the time “El Chapo’s” boys catch up with him, it may not matter.
• A new waterslide into my bathtub made out of fiberglass instead of wood and without splinters.
• I would look for something that costs $1.4 billion and buy it.
• I may wait until the lottery hits $2 billion since it’s so hard to raise a family on $1.4 billion.
• I would pay the money for my cousin, Al Kader, to get his name changed.
• I really need to win since I bet $900 million on the Redskins last week.
• I’m thinking no one has won the Powerball as yet since most players were taught new math. Thank heavens for flash cards.
• I forgot that I really did win the lottery once. Out of nearly 100 million men in America in 1969, Judy picked me.
• A larger YETI cup for all-day-coffee.
• Upgrade my Microsoft XP program soon.
• Get my airplane’s two flat tires fixed.
• Subscribe to Nutri-System’s guaranteed weight-loss program.
• Give up watching infomercials.
• Live in daylight savings time year round.
• Start my own telemarketing company to call all those people back.
• Have a comprehensive plan for the winning money that is 83% responsible. And the rest, go figure. Everyone is invited.
• Find a black and white television to watch old movies
• Hire someone to teach me what all those buttons do on my keyboard.
• Convince the school board to start teaching Civics and geography classes again, drop Latin.
• Start a professional kickball league for people over 50.
• Keep working from 9 a.m. til 10:45 a.m.
• Have my garage cleaned out.
• Try to wrangle an invitation to Rupert Murdoch’s fourth wedding reception.
• If I do decide to buy a ticket I’ll wait for the official word since Steve Harvey of Miss Universe fame will be announcing the winning numbers.
It will probably go higher but as of Tuesday morning the jackpot was $1.4 billion. That would be an $868 million pay out if you take all the cash. Uncle Sam’s take would be 39.6% or $344 million plus any state taxes. If you would like to help out a few relatives, and who wouldn’t, any gift over $5.45 million is hit with a gift tax of 40%. Sorry fellas, family first. Without giving any away you would be left with about $524 million unless 20 other people select the same numbers tonight.
I think I’ll pass since it’s risky driving down to buy a ticket, getting struck by lightning or being eaten by a shark.