Compiled by Bill Derby
Random thoughts of drivel to start your year off on the right foot.
• My wife accused me of being immature and I told her to get out of my fort.
• I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Now I live in constant fear.
• “Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green, Green Grass of Home’.” He said: “That sounds like ‘Tom Jones syndrome’. “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.
• My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
• Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
• Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
• I rang up AT&T, and said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said, “Not you again.”
• Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard Grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “OK – where are you from, jack—?”
• I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) on a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
• I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
• When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.
• Pessimist: “Things just can’t get any worse!”
Optimist: “Nah, of course they can!”
• A snowman sniffs, “Humm, funny, I smell carrots…”
• Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
• Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
• I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.
• I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now.
• A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
• I would really like to beef up my self-esteem a bit, but I don’t deserve it.
• I got a really cute dog and called him ‘Threemiles.’ It sounds great to say I walk ‘Threemiles’ twice a day.
• If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We’ll talk about it.
• “Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.” “I know, one of them has just been serving me.”
• My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
• My teacher asked me to characterize myself in 5 words. “Quite lazy.”
• I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
• A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ‘’But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.’’
• Racing a bear: Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“Don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. ”I just need to outrun you.”
• An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: “Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”