Written and Compiled by Bill Derby
I turned 70 back in August. Damn hard to think about. Looked back on my life for a few short minutes and took a nap.
My son gets on me for not remembering every name he’s brought up in the last 43 years. Heck, I can’t remember some of my own friend’s names. There is just not much room left in the ole computer’s hard drive. My mega bytes are full.
However, one benefit of older age is that I have studied human male and female relationships. This was brought on when I was first kicked in the shin by a red-haired fourth-grade girl. I soon realized I had better understand the female if I were to survive.
I have studied women mostly for their intellectual ability over the years. I have never considered the shallow and fleeting element of beauty which we know is only skin deep. My very intelligent boss lady has allowed me two male wisdoms for this column and are as follows. The others are female wisdoms for review.
• Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• It’s like magic… when you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!
• I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 876 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
• Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.
• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• There are far too many men in politics and not enough elsewhere.
• We had a lot in common
• I loved him and he loved him.
• A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
• A woman’s place is in the House and in the Senate.
• After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
• As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
• Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Boys will be boys, but girls will be women.
• Brevity – the soul of lingerie.
• The cock may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the eggs.
• Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.
• Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
• The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties.
• Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
• Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
• Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
• Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
• I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
• I believe in loyalty: when a woman reaches a certain age she likes, she should stick with it.
• I buried a lot of ironing in the backyard.
• I go for two kinds of men: the kind with muscles, and the kind without.
• If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.
• If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they put all of them there?
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
I’m a marvelous housekeeper – every time I leave a man, I keep his house
I’m having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife.
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep – what’s deep enough? What do you want – an adorable pancreas?