By Bill Derby
I’ve never been an expert buyer of gifts for some reason. I just never pick out the right item.
I was thinking maybe I could get Judy a new bottle of wine. She still has some left from last year’s bottle. I went online to see if any of these ‘down in the country wines’ might appeal to her taste buds. If so, I could throw out that old bottle of Washington County Red.
Wine suggestions for Valentine’s Day from way down in the country.
1. Box O’ Grapes
2. Grapes O’ Rath
3. Bubba’s Wiser
4. Bubba Sangria (B.S. for short)
5. Sam Pain (hi-end, Bubba-ly stuff)
6. Licker’s Quicker
7. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
11. Martha Stewart’s Sour Grapes
12. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
13. World Championship Riesling
14. Nasti Spumante
Here’s a gift from the ladies for her man… it’s the working man’s hygiene kit. It’s a real gift. Comes in a cute tool box. The copy reads, “This all-natural set was created by a mechanic who let his dirty, damaged paws drive his inspiration to design products for dudes. The manly salves, scrubs and balms included are specially made to meet the needs of the working man. From soothing sore feet, to healing cracked lips and knuckles, to buffing the dickens out of dry skin, this kit goes beyond simple cleansers to get the job done. Handmade in the USA.”
The working man’s hygiene kit includes: Walnut Scrub; Soap for Men; Knuckle Wax; After Shower Dry Oil; Hand Lotion; Foot Salve; Peppermint Lip Balm
A gift to enjoy together: Liquid Fudge–Forget hot cocoa, this drinking fudge ups the ante on what it means to have a drinkable chocolate. It’s going to be the perfect thing to have on Valentine’s night when you two are keeping warm and sharing time together. Pairs nicely with her favorite movie. Yuk!
Actual love notes for your Valentine with various themes, both good and bad:
1. Husband, Welcome home. I’m hiding in the house with a nerf gun, here is the other one… The loser cooks dinner tonight. May the odds be ever in your favor. Xoxo Wife
2. A rose is not a good symbol for love. Roses wilt. I will not give you a rose or even flowers. Our love is forever so here is a Nokia Phone.
3. I’m sorry you had a not so great a day. I just want to remind you that I love you and I’m always here for you. Now, enjoy a beer and come grab me when you’re ready…
4. Dear Husband, Why are you not eating the rice Krispy treats I made you? I SLAVED for several minutes to hand craft these squares of deliciousness for you, yet they remain here, in the pan, untouched, by you. Your wonderful wife!
5. Nasty looking spider in closet this morning. Couldn’t get it. Shake out all clothes before you put them on honey. Love, your wife.
6. You grew on me the way Yersinia Enterocolitica grows on spoiled bacon! (Probably from a biologist)
7. You’re going to do as I say and love it! (Note on refrigerator)
8. My Darling Husband, about the problem you had with the TV remote. You were right, there was something blocking the signal. It was this (picture of a piece of black tape). The piece of black insulation tape I carefully cut and placed over the sensor. I love you. (A very, very dirty trick)
9. (On a napkin) Honey, after today only one more day of casserole.