Compiled by Bill Derby
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered to be a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 2:25 for 20 minutes.
… And now for a second version of same…
It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing doughboy as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he’d raise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven. He is also survived by a child from his previous marriage, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
John and Jane Dough are in charge of arrangements.
Would You Like To Join A Club?
– Inspire to Perspire Looking for friends with similar behaviors .
– The Agoraphobics Society? – Only if they meet at my house.
– The Anti-Perspirant club? – Sure.
– The Arafat club? – Yessir.
– The Co-Dependence Club? – Can I bring a friend?
– The Compulsive Rhymers club? – Okey-dokey.
– The Ford-Nixon club? – Pardon me?
– The German Philosophy club? – I. Kant.
– The Groucho Marx club? – You bet your life.
– The Japanese Theater club? – Noh.
– The Peter Pan club? – Never. Never.
– The Procrastinators club? – Maybe next week.
– The Quarterback club? – I’ll pass.
– The Self-Esteem Builders? – No, they probably would not accept me anyway.
– The Spanish Optometrists club? – Si.
– The Yoko club? – Oh no.
She married for love…
Her fourth marriage- The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered. Interesting, the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”