By Bill Derby
Here are your fish quotes of the day.
• Fish and visitors stink after three days. – Benjamin Franklin
• I got bigger fish to fly – Archie Bunker
• There’s always a bigger fish. – Qui-Gon Jinn
• A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. – Cynthia Heimel
• You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. – Jerry Seinfeld
Oredr Of Ltteers In a Wrod
Cna yuo raed tihs? The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg!
Aoccdrnig to a recesarh at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Frgigin amzanig huh? I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Marol: fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too…
Definition of old – Very quietly I confided to my husband on our 50th anniversary that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked… “Are you having it catered?”
And that, my friend, is the definition of being old.
Baby Names – When my brother helped with naming the twins!
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the Doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the Doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the Doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The Doctor replies, “Denephew.”
Lost Bouquet – Leading lady gets short-changed onstage.
A group of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance.
“What’s the matter with our leading lady?” one actress asked. “She seems really mad about something.”
“Oh, she’s upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights,” another actress replied.
“Nine!” exclaimed the first actress. “That’s pretty good, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” the other actress replied, “but she paid for 10.”
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is “Your Passionate.”
They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm “Your Passionate”.
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: “Your Passin It!”
Q: What’s worse – ignorance or apathy?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care.