Compiled by Bill Derby
I received this very nice comment from one of our long-time readers who sends me great column ideas from time to time. Made my day after watching the early morning news.
“Your article is a highlight of my week. Thanks for your nice gift of endorphins. Incidentally, Mayo Clinic’s newsletter recommends we force ourselves to laugh: our brains release endorphins even if we’re faking it.”
Yam, Little Sweet Potato….She didn’t want to become like her Shoestring cousins
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called “Yam”. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked and get a bad name for herself like “Hot Potato” and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho Potato University (IPU) so when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Wolf Blitzer.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Wolf Blitzer because he’s just a…
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! … Here it is! “Common Tater!”
Grace In A Low Voice: Having trouble hearing Grace?
A man was saying grace in a low voice.
Somebody at the table said, “I can’t hear you.”
The man replied, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Fake Carolina Drawl: Buy low, sell high – can’t lose!
Bubba and Billy Bob, two good-old boys from West Virginia, were on their way to visit a relative in North Carolina when they stopped for lunch in Fayetteville.
They were walking along the street when they saw a sign on a store which read, “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair.”
Bubba said to his pal, “Billy Bob, Lookey here! We could buy a whole bunch of these here clothes, take ’em back to West Virginia, an’ sell ’em to our friends, and we’ll make a fortune. Now when we go in there you just be real quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin’ cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. But, I’ll talk in a slow Carolina drawl so’s they won’t know.”
They went in and Bubba said with his best fake Carolina drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…”
The owner of the shop interrupted him and said, “Ya’ll are from West Virginia, ain’t you?”
“Well… yeah,” said a surprised Bubba. “How come you know that?”
The owner said, “Because this here is a dry-cleaners.”
Another Round For The Wife, Bartender! Spouse sacrifice
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’ cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin”, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
Alter Egos: Celebrities in real life
• Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student
• Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath
• Merlyn Streep: professional magician
• Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant
• Bette Fiddler: skilled symphony musician
• Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs
• Draw Barrymore: portrait artist
• Leonard di Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. Did you?