Compiled by Bill Derby
Talking Dog – A guy is driving around the backwoods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn in to the toughest branch of the armed services – the United States Marine Corps. One of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders – no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger.
“So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that crap!”
Grandpa’s Frog Sound A girl goes up to her grandfather and says, “Grandpa, will you make a frog sound?”
He says, “Well, I can do a puppy or kitten sound, but not a frog sound.”
She walks away with a disappointed look on her face.
He says, “Why do you want me to make a frog sound?”
The little girl says, “Because grandma says that when you croak, she’ll take me to Disneyland.”
Anniversary Present Josh is mega-rich and is always lavishing expensive presents on his wife, Natalie. But today, Josh is in big trouble. He has forgotten that it’s their wedding anniversary.
Natalie looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, “Tomorrow, Josh, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else…..”
Natalie gets up early the next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales. The funeral is next Saturday.
Max is in a store looking for a suitable wedding anniversary greeting card. He’s been there for over 45 minutes, but he’s not having any luck. An assistant notices Max lingering over one card after another and, being a helpful kind of person, goes over to him to see if she can help. “Is there a problem, sir?” she asks.
“Yes, there is,” replies Max, “I can’t find one Sarah will believe.”
Actual Dear Abby Questions
Dear Abby – Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby – I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby – My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby – My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?