Is Tennessee going to hell in a handbasket?


By Bill Derby

According to a study by WalletHub as determined by five university professors, Tennessee is the sixth most sinful state in the United States of America. What the heck?

WalletHub is a personal finance website that creates numerous studies and statistics with tons of products and services available for purchase. It is based in Washington, D.C. and privately owned. They send us ‘caddywampus’ studies weekly but this one really peaked my response. Since they are headquartered in Washington, DC, for some reason they left out any sinful information about that sinless township. Yeah, right…?

Here’s how the professors ranked Tennessee nationally:

•  1st – Anger & Hatred

•  15th – Jealousy

•  3rd – Excesses & Vices

•  20th – Greed

•  11th – Lust

•  21st – Vanity

•  15th – Laziness


The five professors, scattered throughout America, used a set of criteria and assigned weighted numbers to come up with the sin calculator. It didn’t say if they visited the particular state to sample any specific sin but they sure showed us Tennesseans that we are as…. ‘Cold as a cast iron commode.’

The findings make me so mad I could ‘chew nails and spit out a barbed wire fence.’ Whoops, there’s number one showing its ugly face.  Casting shame on a Southerner is like insulting one’s family, new truck or dog.  If any of those professors show up here I bet they ‘couldn’t find their fanny with a flashlight in both hands.’ Whoops, number one again.

Actually, Florida was the worst state, maybe because they have retirees what moved down there bringing along their nasty habits. It’s a known fact old-codger mafia types retire there.

California came in second place as the most sinful state. Ha, ha, ha, they deserve it. Nevada came in third, I bet because of all the gambling and that there Chicken Ranch that doesn’t raise chickens. I don’t know how the professors got their information because tourists are warned not to tell what goes on out there.

Poor old Texas is ranked fourth as the most sinful state because it’s number one in the Lust category.  This was determined from the number of Google searches for XXX rated shows and adult entertainment. I suppose cowboys get bored looking at cows all day and night and at each other. Every person I’ve met from Texas is as nice as can be and you can understand every word they say y’all.

Tennessee rated eleventh for Lust.  I will agree there is lust in Tennessee. I’ve seen grown men lusting after a good looking truck with over-sized tires and a shiny trailer hitch.

Georgia came in fifth as the most sinful state. They rated second in Anger & Hatred to Tennessee.  They were also number two in lust just behind Texas. I know there are a lot of pig farmers in Georgia that have the same issues as cowboys in Texas.  Lookin’ at pigs all day doesn’t do much for the male ego either. But, thank heavens for that Applewood smoked bacon.  Raising peanuts and cotton may cause lustfulness as well.

Tennessee ranked third for Excesses & Vices. The professors used the number of fast food locations and number of chubby folks to determine this ranking.  Excessive drinking also played a role in excesses and vices. Did they take in to account the number of internationally renowned bourbon farms in our state?  Reality TV shows even portray our old-time stump water factories still working in the backwoods. Most of that product is shipped out of state, maybe to Florida.

We are 20th in the Greed category which is ‘almost as welcome as an outhouse breeze.’ Most Tennesseans know their raisin’ and work for what they earn. Nevada came in first in greed because of their gambling disorders.

Tennessee was 21st in Vanity. This must be the most scientific or creative criteria the good professors could come up with…. (The number of beauty salons per capita!) Whoever came up with that determination ‘must have enough wrinkles to hold an eight-day rain.’ Or, ‘have fallen out of an ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down.’  Tennesseans are proud of lookin’ smart, lookin’ good and smellin’ well. We shine our shoes when we have them. We get our hair cut. Women spend millions spraying and coloring their hair. What for? To look like the most beautiful gals in the world.

We rated 15th in the nation for Laziness. Main criteria included -number of adults not exercising, – average number of hours worked,- time spent watching TV and, to top it off, – the rate of volunteering. Don’t these Profs know Tennessee is the Volunteer State? Why, there wouldn’t even be a Texas if it wasn’t for Tennesseans volunteering to save Texas from Mexico. Davy is spinning in his grave. In my opinion ‘if these professors’ brains were leather, they wouldn’t have enough to saddle a June bug.’

This grocery store tabloid study ranks right up there with the sightings of Bigfoot in California. I think the study is as ‘Bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest!’


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