Compiled by Bill Derby
Random thoughts by intellectuals.
– I’m a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with “War and Peace.”
– In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say “checkmate” and “checkmatemate” to avoid confusion.
– I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.
– I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn’t go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.
– People are always judging me, and I wouldn’t mind so much if the verdict wasn’t always a restraining order.
– I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.
– I’m not so much “World’s Best Boss” as I am “Guy Who Beat Someone Up and Stole Their Mug.”
– I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Every day it’s a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sucker out.
– “To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!”
– I’m so glad 2015 is here, my birthday’s this year!
– I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
– My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore
– Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called “skinheads”.
– I yelled “It’s snowing!” right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I’m 25.
– I wonder what compelled Man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into blondes.
– There’s something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.
– Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.
-My parents don’t approve of me attending culinary school. They think I’m just wasting thyme.
– I’m on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.
-I’m an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.
– The moment you know your girlfriend’s too big: When you push her in a river and someone else yells “Dam.”
– I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.
– Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. Last winter’s cold weather changed my mind.
– I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.
– I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#.
