I’m so busy….. I don’t know if I lost my horse or found a rope.


Compiled by Bill Derby

Random thoughts by intellectuals.

– I’m a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with “War and Peace.”

–  In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say “checkmate” and “checkmatemate” to avoid confusion.

– I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.

– I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn’t go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.

– People are always judging me, and I wouldn’t mind so much if the verdict wasn’t always a restraining order.

– I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.

– I’m not so much “World’s Best Boss” as I am “Guy Who Beat Someone Up and Stole Their Mug.”

– I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Every day it’s a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sucker out.

– “To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!”

– I’m so glad 2015 is here, my birthday’s this year!

– I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

– My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore

– Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called “skinheads”.

– I yelled “It’s snowing!” right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I’m 25.

– I wonder what compelled Man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into blondes.

– There’s something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.

– Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.

-My parents don’t approve of me attending culinary school. They think I’m just wasting thyme.

– I’m on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.

-I’m an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.

– The moment you know your girlfriend’s too big: When you push her in a river and someone else yells “Dam.”

– I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.

– Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. Last winter’s cold weather changed my mind.

–  I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.

–  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#.


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