By Bill Derby
Like, wow, you know what I mean. Today, at my age, thoughts and words come more slowly. Names, places, song titles, etc. seem to hang for a while in my brain. But, I have an age-related excuse. Some of my close friends have the same issues. We are all in it together. Enjoy it while you can.
A nice couple who are regular readers send me funnies on a regular basis. Below are some interesting remarks they sent last week.
(On Sept. 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Half this game is 90 percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
– Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
– Department of Social Services, Greenville, SC
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman