Compiled by Bill Derby
The National Research Council (NRC) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 234 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it normally would take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years: it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
”Stringing Along”– A kitten is sitting down, watching a tennis match.
When asked why he was so interested, he replies, “My father’s in the racket!
Frog’s Fortune–Waiting to meet the girl of his dreams
A frog goes to have his fortune told. The fortune teller looks at his little webbed palm and says, “Aha! You’re about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you.”
The frog says, “Thanks! I’m going to run right back to the pond so I won’t miss her.”
The fortune teller says, “You won’t meet her at the pond. You’re going to meet her in her freshman biology class.”
Smart Card Dog– A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“He’s not so smart,” said one of the irked players.
“Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball.”
“Well, get to the back of the queue.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.”
“Please wait a minute and I’ll deal with you.”