Famous last words


Compiled by Bill Derby

In the epic comedy film, “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad World,” Jimmy Durante had been thrown from his car and his dying words told of $350,000 buried under a “W” to a group of total strangers then he kicked a bucket near his left foot indicating his passing. It’s a great comedy I love to watch annually. Below are some actual famous last words and a list of probably last words uttered by someone doing something stupid.

• Nostradamus predicted, “Tomorrow, at sunrise, I shall no longer be here.” He was right.

• Jazz and big band drummer Buddy Rich died after surgery in 1987. As he was being prepped for surgery, a nurse asked him, “Is there anything you can’t take?” Rich replied, “Yeah, country music.”

• When Groucho Marx was dying, he let out one last quip: “This is no way to live!”


Here is a list of probable “last words”

• “I’ll get a world record for this.”

• “The odds of that happening are a million to one!”

• “It’s not flammable.”

• “What does this button do?”

• “I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”

• “So, you’re a cannibal.”

• “It’s probably just a rash.”

• “Are you sure the power is off?”

• “He’s probably just hibernating.”

• “I saw them do this on TV.”

• “Don’t worry, it’s not loaded.”

• “These are the good kind of mushrooms.”

• “Rat poison only kills rats.”

• “It’s strong enough for both of us.”

• “Let it down slowly.”

• “This doesn’t taste right.”

• “I can make it before the light changes.”

• “I can do that with my eyes closed.”

• “I’ve done this before.”

• “Well, we’ve made it this far.”

• “Hmm, that’s odd.”

• “Don’t be so superstitious.”

• “Watch this!!!”

• “A duck? Where?”


Memory Test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“274” was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday” replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Piece of cake, Doc” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”


Confession practice

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.

“I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. “Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like ‘I see’, ‘I understand’ and ‘Yes, go on.’”

The younger priest practices these sayings, too. “Well done,” says the older priest. “Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and saying: “No way! What happened next?”


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