Dear Diary… Somewhere it is written that men should not paint toenails


By Bill Derby

I’m thinking about starting a diary, should have when I reached puberty. They say “it’s never too late to do anything.”  Here’s my diary entry.

Dear Diary,

Last night watching the news the little wife said she was going to paint her toenails. We have two events to attend the next day and she wants her toes looking respectable I guessed.

For some unknown reason she always lets me know when she’s going to paint her nails or toenails. It may be a warning of how bad nail polish stinks.

Nail polish has the aroma of highly toxic acid. According to the experts, nail polish includes some smelly chemicals such dissolved in butyl acetate or ethyl acetate. Polish colors include compounds of chromium oxide, chromium hydroxide, ferric ferrocyanide, stannic oxide, titanium dioxide, iron oxide, carmine, ultramarine, and manganese violet. Some of this stuff you might see in tanker trucks on the highway.

During the Ming Dynasty in China, toe nail polish and nail polish were made from a mixture that included beeswax, egg whites, gelatin, vegetable dyes, and gum Arabic. I would think that would be more acceptable today and even smell more appealing at entertainment functions. Plus, application could be accomplished in the kitchen area.

“Honey, I’m going to paint my nails in a little while,” she warned.

I think she is really trying to tell me, is, “don’t get near or touch me. You might mess up my polish.”

Married almost 46 years, I have never, ever messed up her nail work, in my opinion.

Now this is true, diary. On a whim, I repeat, on a whim, I asked her if I could paint her nails this time. I knew she would say no since years ago the last time I attempted the operation I painted sideways and not backwards to forwards, a real dumb male mistake. But, to my surprise, she said okay! I held the applicator as far away as possible but still within eyesight. I could still smell the chemical potion.

“Now, be careful, honey. The last time you tried painting my toenails you messed it up. Paint backwards to forwards, vertical not horizontal.”

“Yes, my pet. You got it. Are your feet clean? They don’t stink do they?” I laughed.

“No,” she exclaimed.

I figured old age made bending down to paint toenails more of a challenge than it used to be. Heck, there may be a swarm of male baby boomers just now learning how to paint toenails. I wonder.

I completed the task without a smudge admiring my new talent. Dear Diary, I really would rather not do it anymore though.

Why do women paint their nails anyway? Nail painting, they say, started back in 3,000 BC. I bet they used ground up stuff in Egypt from whatever berries the birds were eating that day.

Dear Diary, ‘I’ve even seen movies where women and girls paint their nails in groups with cotton balls wedged between their toes. What a pain. Last night on TV I even saw a women walking across the street with foam wedges sticking out between her toes. I bet whoever invented these things saw George Forman’s invention TV commercial where he says…… “Do you have an idea for a new product or invention? Hi, I’m George Foreman and people ask me all the time how I get my idea in front of companies!” The toe foam guy evidently succeeded.

Dear dairy, ‘In today’s modern world I’ve seen just about every color known to man adoring female finger and toenails. Some have designs to attract attention in an artistic way. Businesses advertise artistic appliques of every description and come with those foam toe separators.’

Well, diary it’s time to close. Since we’re going out tomorrow night, I guess I’d better go trim my nose hair and ears.


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