By Bill Derby
I’m not sure if Plato uttered those words of wisdom or not, but, if he had an old dog, which most of the Greeks did, it most likely barked. I guess that means if you’re old enough and have had enough life experiences that each time you open your mouth it’s important information. This could be true.
Last week’s front page April Fool’s story brought numerous comments and telephone calls. It’s a tradition we write an April Fool’s story every year. One of our people suggested we write a retraction stating we made a mistake and it was really Tom Selleck moving to Johnson City. If folks read the whole story to the end they would see the April Fool’s theme. Most people laughed. But it really got the realtors working to see who had listed a $13 million dollar home on Boone Lake. Goes to show you how many people read our newspaper. News & Neighbor is a great place to list a home for sale.
I get comments from people saying they enjoy my column. You’ll be happy to know that at least 95% of what I write is true. Thank you for reading.
I found these random thoughts below created by junior philosophers or strangers on a street corner. Remember, it’s good to laugh!
• I’m a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with “War and Peace.”
• In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say “checkmate” and “checkmatemate” to avoid confusion.
• I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.
• I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn’t go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.
Regrets
• They say you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do do. Except when it’s in your pants.
• People are always judging me, and I wouldn’t mind so much if the verdict wasn’t always a restraining order.
• I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.
• I’m not so much “World’s Best Boss” as I am “Guy Who Beat Someone Up And Stole Their Mug.”
• I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Everyday it’s a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sucker out.
• I know a lot of people hate paying ATM services fees, but I don’t. It’s a lot less expensive than paying everyone in the room to pretend you’re not a cheapskate.
• I always feel like I’m about to get murdered or die in a horrible accident whenever “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” comes on the radio.
“Wooly Bully,” too. I can’t understand anything the guy’s saying, so I have to assume it’s about dying.
• “To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!”
• I’m so glad 2017 is here, my birthday’s this year!
• I didn’t realize just how ugly I was until I got a hemorrhoid on my face.
• I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
• The moment you know your girlfriend’s too big–When you push her in a river and someone else yells “Dam.”
• I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.
• Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. This winter’s cold weather changed my mind.
• “I’d love to, but I have to help a friend move” is always an honest excuse if you’re a ventriloquist.
• Of all the problems plaguing the Hamilton musical, installing “Clap On Clap Off” lights in the theater has to be among the dumbest.
• I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.
• I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#.
• My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore.
• Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called “skinheads”.
• I yelled “It’s snowing!” right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I’m 25.
• I wonder what compelled Man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into blondes.
• There’s something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.
• Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.
• My parents don’t approve of me attending culinary school. They think I’m just wasting thyme
• I’m on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.
• I’m an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.
