You can buy a can of that at ‘Toes Are Us’ of course!
Sounds like something my dad would have said. He loved a good joke. His double talk, pig Latin and Russian accent exclamations were famous in our house. He never did lose his sense of humor, even when he was very ill. He always answered the telephone by saying… “City morgue, can I help you?”
He would have loved the new meanings of the following words. He loved to write and I’m sure he would use some of these new word meanings, etc., etc.
New Definitions
• Stalemate (stale•mate) n. A leading cause of divorce.
• Classic novel np. A book which people praise, but seldom read.
• Compromise n. The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
• Conference n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Etc. abb. An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
• Father n. The banker that nature provides.
• Office n. A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
• Smile n. A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Tears n. The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
• Acre n. Someone that aches
• Afterdraft n. Life following conscription
• Carnation n. Country where each citizen owns an automobile
• Childhood n. Head covering for an infant.
• Colander n. Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
• Coroner n. A round corner
• Diode n. A pair of two long poems.
• Emotion n. Electron movement (also e-motion).
• Exercise n. Her former body measurements.
• Immediate v. To refrain from mediating.
• Maritime n. Hour of a wedding.
• Nitrate n. The price after sundown.
• Syntax n. Tariff on immorality.
• Tautology n. A riveting, gripping study.
• Synonym, n. A linguist’s favorite spice on baked apples.
• Bide, v. Past tense of buy.
• Goad, v. Past tense of go.
• Octopus, n. A cat with eight legs.
• Catacomb, n. What a feline uses to straighten its hair.
• Medieval, adj. Not completely wicked.
• Biology, n. The scientific study of the number two.
• Atom, n. The first particle of the universe.
• Hole-in-One, n. What an amateur golfer gets when he reaches down to get his ball out of the cup and his pants rip.
• Thesaurus, n. A dinosaur that studies words.
• Professor, n. Opposite of confessor.
• Pokémon, n. A proctologist.
• Phony, adj. Related to telephones.
• Silverfish, n. A precious fish that is not quite as good as a goldfish.
• Congress, n. The antonym of progress.
• Hamlet, n. A small pig.
• Tooth, adj. The ordinal number for two.
• Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
• Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tried to do.
• Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.
• Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
• Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.
• Paradox: npl. Two physicians.
• Parasites: npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
• Pharmacist: n. A farm hand.
• Relief: v. What trees do in the spring.
• Rubberneck: vp. What you do to relax your wife.
• Sudafed: v. Brought a suit against a government official.
• Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
• Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
• Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
• Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
• Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.
• Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
• Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
• Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
