By Bill Derby
I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, “How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?”
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. “Just great, hon.”
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
• My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
• When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
• After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
• While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
• In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?” “How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband. The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
• Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”
• We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. “I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel,” he said. My middle-aged wife put him at ease. “Don’t worry,” she said. “They’ll only look once.”
