By Bill Derby
A few years ago the immigration department announced a new set of citizenship questions for legal immigrants. They felt the current set of 100 questions was too easy and not introspective enough.
After last year’s hard winter there are more Yankees than ever moving south. I thought it would be a good idea to require them to take the Southern Citizenship Test before they could get a building permit, driver’s license, sign a lease, buy a beach condo or get a credit card. Here’s the test I put together. Try to answer at least 60% correctly, the government’s requirement to become a citizen.
1. Who is Ted Turner?
a. Jane Fonda’s eighth husband.
b. Owner of Atlanta’s Varsity Drive-In
c. Gone With The Wind autho
d. Jane Fonda’s fourth husband.
2. What is the Capital of Florida?
a. Any town that Steve Spurrier lived in.
b. Miami
c. Gainesville
d. Key West
3. Who invented grits?
a. Martha White
b. Julia Child
c. General Mills
d. Paula Deen
4. Who invented tobacco?
a. R.J. Reynolds
b. Prince Albert
c. Mule Kick
d. Winston Salem
5. What beer was named after a president’s brother?
a. Roger Beer
b. Bubba Beer
c. Bush Beer
d. Billy Beer
6. Who owned the first pink Cadillac?
a. Mary Kay Ashe
b. Boy George
c. Elvis Presley
d. Ted Turner
7. Who is shorter than a tree stump and speaks with a southern accent?
a. Minnie Me
b. The late Little Jimmy Dickens
c. Danny DeVito
d. Tom Cruise
8. Who was the first southern president?
a. Bill Clinton
b. Thomas Jefferson
c. Forrest Gump
d. Jefferson Davis
9. Where was ‘Oh Brother Where Art Thou’ filmed?
a. Erwin
b. Disney World
c. Florence, SC
d. LA (lower Alabama)
10. Why do you want to move south?
a. weather
b. grits
c. mint juleps
d. soup beans
11. What were Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson noted for?
a. singing
b. smoking pot
c. Southern gentlemen
d. riding in buses
12. What state is the Grand Old Opry in?
a. Missouri
b. Myrtle Beach
c. Tennessee
d. Nassau
13. How do you pronounce pecan?
a. pee-can
b. pha-caaan
c. southern nut
d. don’t know
14. What is a southerner’s favorite after dinner drink?
a. hair of the dog
b. stump water
c. Boom Boom LaToush’s Washington County Red
d. Bud
15. What is a southerner’s favorite dessert?
a. mud pie
b. shrimp
c. pralines
d. fried chicken
16. What is an armadillo?
a. a new SUV
b. a tough-skinned opossum
c. Florida’s favorite road kill meal
d. Glorida speed bump
17. Who wore a Hound’s-tooth hat in football stadiums?
a. Alabama’s best coach
b. Roslyn Carter
c. Tom Landry
d. George Wallace
18. What governor of Georgia could ride a bicycle backwards and why?
a. Jimmy Carter
b. Lester Maddox
c. Vince Dooley
d. Nobody knows why.
19. Where did Aretha Franklin record her biggest hits?
a. Muscle Shoals
b. Broadway
c. Hotlanta
d. Nashville
20. Who is the father of recycling?
a. Fred G. Sanford
b. John Campbell
c. Joe Dirt
d. mom
21. Name your favorite Southern Drink.
a. iced sweet tea
b. Boahbhn
c. Pot-liquor
d. Dr. Enuf
22. Who wrote the song “Dixie?”
a. Hoagie Carmichael
b. George Wallace
c. Laverne and Shirley
d. Jimmy Buffett
23. What is Dolly Parton famous for?
a. Dollywood
b. singing with Porter Wagoner
c. her song writing ability
d. something else
24. What is a ‘Mint Julep?’
a. a fancy southern Boahbhn drink made from Kentucky Boahbhn and a sprig of mint and dash of water
b. a good looking ole car in prime condition
c. a cute southern girl
d. a fast horse
25. Who started putting toadstools on hamburgers?
a. Ray Kroc
b. Hardees
c. Ted Turner’s eighth wife
d. Emeril Lagasse
26. Who invented Bah B Que?
a. Alan Howell
b. Norman Gray
c. Paula Deen
d. George Foreman
BONUS QUESTIONS
27. Yes or No question— If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
a. Yes b. No
28. What happened to preparations A through G?
29. Where do Pink Flamingos really come from?
a. Florida
b. Kmart
c. China
d. don’t care.
30. Where do shrimp come from?
a. Red Lobster
b. frozen fish department
c. Bubba-Gump Shrimp Boat
d. any southern coastal state
31. What is Colonel Sanders noted for?
a. Licking his fingers
b. living in Kentucky
c. discoveringcholesterol
d. Wearing white suits.
If you answered at least 18 of the questions correctly, go ahead and move on down. If not, move to California.
As you know, some noteworthy southern gentleman pined, “Southerners are like other people, only more so.”
