Compiled by Bill Derby
Please see the news clippings that actually appeared in print…
• A seven-pound baby boy arrived last night to frighten the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Peter Calder.
• Beauty Queen unveils bust at dedication ceremony.
• Before the verdict was rendered this morning, Miss Mexico told interviewers that if the court freed her, she would become a nut.
• He collapsed on the sidewalk and died without medical assistance.
• His friends could give no reason why he should have committed suicide. He is single.
• Home furnishings magazine: Mr. Frenkal won the national bedding award from the National Association. Mr. Frenkal has ten children.
• If we would only send young American tenors to stud abroad, they would return immensely improved.
• In department store: Bath towels for your whole damp family.
• Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher returned yesterday from Hawaii, where they spent two weeks of unallowed pleasure.
• Mr. and Mrs. Oliver Sloan request the pleasure of your presents at the marriage of their daughter.
• Mr. and Mrs. Sleyman have lied most of their married life in Hartford.
• Mr. Oakum lives with his wife, his high-school sweetheart, and three sons.
• Mrs. Jensen of the Home Garden Club gave a short talk on how to keep ants out of your blooming pants.
• News column: Gerry Mirville, the district attorney, then forcefully addressed the jury and gummed up the case.
• On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
• Overcome by gas while taking a bath, she owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor.
• She went into the hospital after being bitten by a spider in a bathing suit.
• Society column: Their annual ball was held last night at the Hilton Hotel. Seldom have we seen such a glittering display of beaux and bellies.
• Social notes: He is visiting our town with his bitter half.
• Telegram to wife: HAVING WONDERFUL TIME. WISH YOU WERE HER.
• The all-girl orchestra was rather weak in the bras section.
• The chief is inclined to believe that a crossed wife might be the cause of the fire.
• The head of the investment firm would not say whether, in his own private holdings, he was more interested in stocks or blonds.
• The President, who has been sick for several days, is now in bed with a coed.
• The prosecutors, representing the State, asked prospective jurors if they would inflict the death penalty “if the evidence warranted it.” Those who said they were opposed to capital punishment under any circumstances were executed.
• The Red Cross paid for emergency care and later found a free bed for him in an institution specializing in the treatment of artcritics.
• The report was signed by five faulty members of the university.
• There are millions of desirable women who are unattacked, and hungry for love.
• They were married and lived happily even after.
• Upon arriving at the Honolulu airport, two men were given coveted lays by Hawaiian maidens.
• Vote for Jordan Barns – your fiend in City Hall.
• Wanted: Job as a janitor. Long experience. Expert moper.
• When his wife called from London, Mr. Fandish said, “It was wonderful to hear her voice and realize she was over three thousand miles away.”
