By Bill Derby
Since school is back in session it’s important to learn and study hard. The examples below are evidence of time well spent in study hall and doing homework. In the ninth grade I always enjoyed science class. I think they called it General Science in those days and included about everything in the universe considered scientific. We were mostly interested in the birds and the bees but that, somehow, was left out of the book.
I found a list of answers that reminded me of some of our science tests. I now feel our science teacher’s pain.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, and dead sheep.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
• For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
• Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.
• Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
• H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
• Liter: A nest of young puppies.
• Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
• One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
• Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
• Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
• The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
• When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
