Compiled by Bill Derby
Have you had to introduce a speaker at your civic club program, church, business meeting or Mensa meeting? Please read samples of these introductions you might want to use at your next event!
And now, a man who has made anonymity a household name.
And now, a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, and spaghetti sauce on his tie.
And now, I introduce a man who has seen it all, but has understood very little of it.
And now, I introduce a man who is clever and witty, and I could go on and on, except I’m having a terrible time reading his handwriting.
Before we introduce our next speaker, let me remind you that no one is perfect.
Character, integrity, principle. People want to know why he hasn’t run for public office. I just told you.
Coming up next week is a man who needs no introduction. However, he insists upon it.
Flattering introductions are like berths in the NBA playoffs. Everybody gets one.
He needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
He was nervous when I told him to speak tonight.
He said, “What if they boo me?”
I said, “Don’t be silly! People can’t boo and yawn at the same time.”
He’s been voted one of the finest minds in Johnson City, which is a lot like being named to the ten best-dressed list in Russia.
Here is a man who has done more for banquet audiences than the Titanic did for the winter cruise business.
Here’s a man who is world famous in certain parts of the country.
I could stand up here for an hour and talk about our next speaker’s accomplishments – but only if I talked really, really slow.
I have been told that the mind cannot absorb any more than the seat can tolerate.
I just returned from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I saw a sad thing on the way to the banquet. A man locked his keys in the car and was working like crazy with a coat hanger trying to get his family out.
I used to have trouble remembering names until I took that great Sam Carnegie course.
I’d like to introduce one of the foremost jugglers of our time – our treasurer!
I’m not making a speech tonight, so I won’t put you to sleep. But after the other speakers are finished, I will wake you up.
In introducing our treasurer, the good news is he’s as honest as the day is long. The bad news is that for the last five years, he’s been working the night shifts.
In your office we have someone who’s always there, a person we can count on, someone who does the work of three people – your secretary.
It’s always a pleasure to speak to a group so sincerely dedicated to limiting the growth of the money supply – a dedication I first became aware of when I discussed my fee.
Just last week he hosted a telethon for ingrown toenails. All the spectacular diseases had already been taken.
Many of you came here tonight looking for a dynamic speech, a good meal, a pleasant evening. And I hope you get one of them.
On the way to the banquet tonight, I was stopped for speeding. I begged the officer to give me a warning. So he fired three shots over my head.
Our next speaker is very active in Church. he squirms and fidgets and wiggles.
Our next speaker is with the city. His brother doesn’t work either.
Our speaker can point to many amazing accomplishments in his lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them were his.
Our next speaker says he doesn’t read Fortune, but he has eaten a lot of their cookies.
Our next speaker says he was a war baby. His parents looked at him and started fighting.
Our next speaker says he was born during the great depression. Not the countries – his mothers.
Our next speaker says she wants to fly to Hawaii for a second honeymoon – and she’s getting her husband to drive her to the airport.
Our next speaker says she will give you in length what she lacks in depth.
Our next speaker wants you to think of her talk as the horns of a steer. A point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.
Remember folks – I just introduce them. I don’t guarantee them.
Rule number two in public speaking: After a very flattering introduction, never tell the audience you don’t deserve it. They’ll find out soon enough.
Thank you for those fine opening comments. I’m sure your thoughts, like tonight’s dinner, will stay with us for a long time.
That’s what I call a Burger King introduction. One whopper after another.
The best things in life are free – which explains why you had to pay to attend this event.
The program director wasn’t exactly sure how I’d do tonight. When I asked him the size of the room, he said, “It sleeps six hundred.”
