Compiled by Bill Derby
Valentine’s Day brings out the best in most romantic situations. On the other hand, it can bring out the worst. Listed below are a few circumstances of both.
• Girl: I can’t be your Valentine for medical reasons.
Girl: Yeah, you make me sick!
• I’m gonna spend Valentine’s Day with my ex…… Box 360
• What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• The Dream–One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.
That evening, Jim came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams.”
• Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s Day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
• How Long Have You Been Married?
When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged,a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
“The first ten years are the hardest.”
“How long have you been married?” she asked.
“Ten years,” he replied.
• It’s always exciting to get a Valentine’s Day card pushed through your door, with no stamp on it – just your name on the envelope.Except when you’re in prison…
• Last Valentine’s Day my fiancée of four years bought me a lottery ticket and I won $5 million.
I wonder what she’s doing nowadays.
• My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day. I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”
• For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card fromthe same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?
• I’ve just booked a table for me and my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
I hope she knows how to play snooker.
• “Lisa, why are you so angry with me?”
“Because I’m Christine.”
• The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.
“Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.
Mower Than a Greeting Card— My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office — and got an idea.
Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”
Mark’s wife loved it. The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
English class— My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”