By Bill Derby
Here are my annual holiday eating tips. Be sure you get your share.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes…Always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before anyone notices. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread all tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
New Units of Measurement for 2016. Use them as often as needed.
• 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
• A millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot furlong
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling = 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
• 1,000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
• 2,000 mockingbirds = Two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig newton
• 1,000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 100 Senators = not 1 decision
• 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV league
