Compiled by Bill Derby
• You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the Duct tape.
• If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
A contentious meeting– “Mrs. Goldstein, fifty-eight years is a long time,” the lawyer said. “Do you have grounds?”
“Grounds? No grounds. We live in a condominium. We got no grounds.”
“No, no. What I mean is, do you nave cause.'” the lawyer asked. “For example, does he beat you up?”
“What, beat me up? I’m up by seven. The bum is still asleep.”
“1 mean,” the lawyer tried, “is there a special reason to want a divorce now? Do you have a grudge?”
“Sure, we got a grudge. It’s robbery what they charge to park in the grudge.”
“Mrs. Goldstein,” the exasperated lawyer said, “I have to know why you want a divorce.”
“Oh, why didn’t you say so?” Mrs. Goldstein scoffed. “I want the divorce because I’m sick to death of Mr. Goldstein telling me we can’t communicate.”
• Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
• Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ….or something like that.
• Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
Newly Married – Bob, a 70-year-old and extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
“Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re even more amazed. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Bottomless pit – Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
“Wow . . . that looks deep.” “Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise. “Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise”.
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen . . .
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?”
“You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, say the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”