Here are some helpful hints and guidelines on dieting. Some of these ideas are ok to use as an excuse too. Also included is a very important list of rules for eating chocolate.
• But the doughnut was calling my name.
• I felt left out because they were eating.
• But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
• The kids in some foreign countries are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.
• I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc. do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
• Cookie pieces contain no fat– the process of breaking a cookie causes fat leakage.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
• Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
The Rules Of Chocolate
1. If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
6. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
7. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
8. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
9. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
10. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
11. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
12. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage.