Compiled by Bill Derby
Ok, it’s 2021. People are getting vaccinated and we hope and pray more will be available soon for all to receive. I remember receiving the Polio vaccine in school. They lined us up and every kid got a shot to prevent the deadly virus in the mid-1950’s. It was mass inoculation and you also got booster shots later.
In the meantime we are still social distancing and holed up at home. I was almost murdered a couple of times this past weekend when Judy insisted I finish my ‘a-round-to-its.’ I’m still sore this morning, barely able to move my fingers on this keyboard.
Here are some continuing quarantine truisms by creative folks:
• How to stop eating during a pandemic. Wear your swimsuit instead of your pajamas.
• I ran out of face masks, started wearing coffee filters around the house. They work too.
• I promised I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of the couch.
• To be honest I’ve wanted to spray a lot of people with Lysol before this all started.
• Dear extroverts, you will survive this. Dear introverts, quit laughing! They’re new to this social distancing.
• I don’t mean to brag, but…I just put a puzzle together in 1 day and the box said 2- 4 years.
• Day 7 of quarantine: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.
• 2020 was a unique Leap Year. It had 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
• The three hardest things to say are: 1. I was wrong. 2. I need help. 3. Worcestershire Sauce.
• I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
• So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”
• Can I claim the voices in my head as dependents?
• I’m now dressing up to check the mailbox.
• Paranoia has reached absurd stages…I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.
• At the store there was a BIG X by the register for me to stand on…I’ve seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that one.
• So when we order delivery from Mexican Restaurants, how does the endless chips and salsa work? Do y’all come back in 20 min. or do we have to call?
• Hello darkness, my old friend. I stood up too fast again.
• Face masks are the new bra…They aren’t comfortable, you only wear them in public, people will notice when you DON’T wear one, and you can now get them in every color, pattern and style.
• I’ve officially reached this level of quarantine…”When you watch your kids eating a family-size bag of tortilla chips for breakfast but then realize you don’t have to cook.”
• Think you’re bored? Sir Isaac Newton invented Calculus during the plague.
• Don’t set your Flux Capacitor to the year 2020.
• When I’m an old lady I’m going to have snacks in little plastic zip lock bags on the floor all over the house in case I fall down.
• “What are you wearing Jake from State Farm?” “Ummmmmmm, a Hazmat Suit.”