The compliment column


By Bill Derby

A few years ago Judy was telling me about a news story she saw on television about a compliment box on a street in Washington, D.C. that automatically spouted nice compliments as you walked by. I didn’t see the story.   It said that you might be surprised to hear a reassuring voice tell you that you have nice eyes or that people are drawn to your positive energy.

The story continued, “The voice comes from a bright red-and-white-striped box on a platform of bricks. A small sign identifies it as ‘The Compliment Machine.’

I would think Washington is a good place to put a machine like that. As in the past and currently, Congress’s popularity rates right up there with the flu. They need all the compliments they can stand.

The compliment machine might say…:

– “Hey, Mr. Congressman, good looking suit you’ve got on.”

– “Nice haircut, too.”

– “Hey good looking. What cha got cooking in the old pork barrel?”

The ‘Compliment Machine’ was designed by an artist who certainly has a positive outlook on life and genuinely cares about people. I found these compliments or somewhat positive comments that could be included in his ‘box.’

– “Hey mister, aspire to inspire before you expire.”

– “Hi Honey, remember your depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

– “Ma’am, those are not chin hairs. Think of them as stray eyebrows.”

– “Hey dude, if you want to be thin, hang out with fat people.”

– “Hi handsome, just think. Maybe you really are a prodigy.”

– “Sir, don’t be so paranoid. Take that rearview mirror off your stationary bike.”

– “Good memory is important. Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument 11 months from now. Because I’m a woman and we never forget anything, ever.”

– “Dear person, remember the older you get the better you get…unless you are a banana.”

– “Hey gorgeous, let the wind blow through your beautiful hair…while you still have some.”

– “Dear sir, if you are full of bull remember to keep your mouth shut.”

– “Hey cutie, every time you say a dirty word like ‘exercise,’ go wash your mouth out with chocolate.”

– “Dear sir, please remember, age is nothing at all…unless you are a cheese.”

–  “Don’t do drugs. You get the same effect just standing up fast.”

– “I’m so glad you are not clingy. Unlike the finger residue from Cheetos.”

– “If you were running for President, I would vote for you. And clear your search history!”

– “You are someone I pretend not to see in public.”

Everybody needs a nice compliment every now and then. I called one of my old friends the other day and he had a new message on his phone. It went like this…

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

Thanks pal.


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