Compiled by Bill Derby
People perceive life in different ways. Below are some common as well as abstract conclusions.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
• A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
• An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
• When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
• I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
• I wish I could play little league now, I’d be way better than before.
• I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow nothing.
• I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
• I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
• I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
• I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
• Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
• I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.
• I turned to my friend and said “How do you abbreviate Arkansas”. He said “I don’t know, just start spelling it, and then quit.”
• I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem — it’s not the photographer’s fault.
• I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.
• My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?
• I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
How To Measure Labor Pains
Trust the father-to-be for good advice on labor pains…
The labor pains had arrived. The father-to-be called the doctor and nervously said that the time had come.
The doctor asked, “How far apart are the pains?”
The father-to-be said, “I’m not sure, but I think they’re all in the same place!”
In My Footsteps?
A female physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to the store, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
As a physician she thought, “Be still, my heart, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”
“274” was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday” replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Piece of cake, Doc” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
Hey guys, the next time you are out shopping for clothes take this into consideration:
“There’s an old saying that says: a well-tailored suit is like lingerie to a woman’s eyes,” says men’s fashion expert, Brandon Wade.
“Fashion sense is more than just color coordination and style. Women naturally associate fashion sense with a big wallet, which is an important factor when considering a potential partner.”
When it came to retail, men distributed their clothing budget as follows, according to a survey of 10,406 men:
Shoes – 26%
Shirts – 22%
Pants – 19%
Suits or Formal Wear – 7%
Accessories – 17%
Other – 9%