Compiled by Bill Derby
On Monday Judy and I decided to get out of the house for a drive since the weather was nice. I noticed a large sign in front of a local pharmacy… “Hormone Tests.”
I couldn’t resist and asked Judy, “Do you think those Hormone Tests require ‘yes and no’ answers?”
She ignored me for a few seconds then said, “No, they are probably multiple choice!”
That was our laugh for the day. Since 2017 is just around the corner I found these rules for life below you might want to consider for the coming year. Enjoy.
• I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
• I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
• A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
• Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, ‘How would the Lone Ranger handle this?’
More Rules to live by!
• Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
• You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and -it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody! “
• Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
• Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
• Work is good, but it’s not that important.
• When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm
• Always double-dip at parties. This will gross out most people leaving more dip for you.
• Tell your friends to call your cell phone when you’re at a movie theater, auditorium, kindergarten recital, etc. This will make people think you’re both important and cool.
• Teach gerbils how to fly. (This could take several tries).
• Drink from the container at other people’s houses. Maybe you can get a free gallon of milk that way.
• Belching is a compliment!
• Tip over a porta potty at construction site when a large steel worker is inside. He’ll think it’s hilarious.
• Be paranoid about everyone around you. Just keep saying to yourself… “They’re all out to get me…”
• Take small children to restaurants with you. Everyone wants to hear them cry all throughout dinner.
• Don’t say anything unless you’re positive everyone else agrees with you, or you have lots of money.