Rules of Life


Compiled by Bill Derby

On Monday Judy and I decided to get out of the house for a drive since the weather was nice. I noticed a large sign in front of a local pharmacy… “Hormone Tests.”

I couldn’t resist and asked Judy, “Do you think those Hormone Tests require ‘yes and no’ answers?”

She ignored me for a few seconds then said, “No, they are probably multiple choice!”

That was our laugh for the day. Since 2017 is just around the corner I found these rules for life below you might want to consider for the coming year. Enjoy.


•  I can only please one person each day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either.

•  Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

•  Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

•  You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

•  I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

•  Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

•  I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

•  My reality check bounced.

•  On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

•  I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

•  Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

•  Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

•  A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

•  Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

•  After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

•  Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

•  If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

•  When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

•  When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, ‘How would the Lone Ranger handle this?’


More Rules to live by!

•  Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

•  You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and -it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

•  The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”

•  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

•  The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody! “

•  Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’

•  Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

•  Work is good, but it’s not that important.

•  When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm

•  Always double-dip at parties. This will gross out most people leaving more dip for you.

•  Tell your friends to call your cell phone when you’re at a movie theater, auditorium, kindergarten recital, etc. This will make people think you’re both important and cool.

•  Teach gerbils how to fly. (This could take several tries).

•  Drink from the container at other people’s houses. Maybe you can get a free gallon of milk that way.

•  Belching is a compliment!

•  Tip over a porta potty at construction site when a large steel worker is inside. He’ll think it’s hilarious.

•  Be paranoid about everyone around you. Just keep saying to yourself… “They’re all out to get me…”

•  Take small children to restaurants with you. Everyone wants to hear them cry all throughout dinner.

•  Don’t say anything unless you’re positive everyone else agrees with you, or you have lots of money.


About Author

Comments are closed.