New drugs for women and quotes from Bob Hope


Soon everyone will be back on the street again but still practicing safe distances. Some of these new drugs below might be helpful in keeping other people a safe distance from you, husband or family.

ANTITALKSIDENT – A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

DAMITOL – Take two tablets and you can ‘forget-about-it’ for up to eight full hours.

DUBMERO – When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause an attitude change, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

EMPTYNESTROGEN – Taken with a glass of wine that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

FLIPITOR – Increases life expectancy while driving to work bycontrolling road rage and the urge to make unlady like hand gestures to other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN – Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

MENICILLIN – Potent anti-boy-optic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. How about a smooch momma?”

NAGAMENT – When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

PEPTOBIMBO – Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases your beautiful figure and prevents dancing the Texas Two-Step.

SEXCEDRIN – More effective than Excedrin in treating the “Dear, I have a headache” syndrome.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT – Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

For the men…Bob Hope quotes:

ON TURNING 70 – ‘I still chase women, but only downhill.

ON TURNING 80 – ‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90 – ‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100 – ‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING – ‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR – ‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’. 

ON GOLF – ‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS – ‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’


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