Soon everyone will be back on the street again but still practicing safe distances. Some of these new drugs below might be helpful in keeping other people a safe distance from you, husband or family.
ANTITALKSIDENT – A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
DAMITOL – Take two tablets and you can ‘forget-about-it’ for up to eight full hours.
DUBMERO – When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause an attitude change, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
EMPTYNESTROGEN – Taken with a glass of wine that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
FLIPITOR – Increases life expectancy while driving to work bycontrolling road rage and the urge to make unlady like hand gestures to other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN – Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
MENICILLIN – Potent anti-boy-optic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. How about a smooch momma?”
NAGAMENT – When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
PEPTOBIMBO – Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases your beautiful figure and prevents dancing the Texas Two-Step.
SEXCEDRIN – More effective than Excedrin in treating the “Dear, I have a headache” syndrome.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT – Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
For the men…Bob Hope quotes:
ON TURNING 70 – ‘I still chase women, but only downhill.
ON TURNING 80 – ‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
ON TURNING 90 – ‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
ON TURNING 100 – ‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING – ‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR – ‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.
ON GOLF – ‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’
ON PRESIDENTS – ‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’