By Jeff Keeling
Certain times in history cry out for those imbued with greatness to step forward and grasp the mantle of leadership. My fellow Americans, because this is one of those times, I have after thoughtful deliberation decided to offer myself as the 2016 Republican nominee for President of these United States of America.
Serving in such an important capacity will require great sacrifice on the part of my family and my 757 Facebook friends. I am not, therefore, taking this decision lightly. In full expectation of a brokered convention sure to be filled with equal parts intrigue and idiocy (will Cleveland ever catch a break?) I find it only fitting that I should proffer my own unique brand of idiocy in the fond hope that it will be embraced by the Republican faithful first, and the American populace come November.
This great nation, forged in the crucible of reason and liberty, tested in the fight against English tyranny on the one hand and indigenous savagery on the other, must rise again to recapture the great ideals that founded it and the mettle that made possible those ideals’ execution.
(A quick aside, lest you think, fellow Americans, that I am skirting the bounds of political correctness. Our forefathers wrote in the Declaration of Independence the following among their long list of complaints against the king as they “let Facts be submitted to a candid world”: “He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.”)
Forthwith I offer a few glimpses of my platform. Please be assured that where specific details are absent, the final product is going to be very, very good. I’ll surround myself with all the best people, and the really important, critical policy matters will be kept safe and secure on my very own private server.
Speaking of servers, one important element of my plan is to provide each eligible American with a private server – for free! Which leads to the most important point of my economic platform:
Representation without taxation.
My economic policies are based in the simple maxim that you can have something for nothing, so long as you unleash the limitless potential of the American people through the magical realism of unfettered capitalism. Abolish the IRS? That’s child’s play.
My crack team of economic advisors will lead a complete privatization of all services provided by the government, with the exception of the military. From scientific research to health care for seniors, public pensions to transportation infrastructure, we’ll turn it all over to the dynamic, ethical, innovative private sector leaders who have given us the likes of the Edsel, Betamax, Enron and Washington Mutual down through the years.
User fees won’t be a problem once that innovation is unleashed, because as we’re all aware, the private sector always does things better than the government. These endeavors will be so successful that the job market will boom, wages will rise, financial markets will go up, up, up, and everybody will have plenty of money to pay the user fees for those services previously provided by the government, through tax revenue.
I am fully confident this plan will cover the “form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility,” and “promote the general Welfare” details of the Constitution. Those user fees will include just a little extra portion, though, to “provide for the common defence … and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,” which brings me to my foreign policy:
Intervention without risk.
Americans are rightfully weary of this country’s string of foreign escapades that have seemed to cost us plenty in blood and treasure, but yield us little in international respect or stability in the far-flung corners of the globe where our soldiers have gone to try and bring peace and pave the way for big box retail.
The rest of the rich world can deal with the likes of Libya, Syria, Ukraine and those stupid little uninhabited islands in the East China Sea no one can even agree on the name of. As for the other stupid little islands in the South China Sea that all those Asian countries are fussing over, as far as I’m concerned they have about as much to do with us as the price of tea in China.
Don’t be mistaken, though, my fellow Americans. The Keeling doctrine envisions a continued robust role for the greatest military the world has ever known. The world still needs us to spread the ideals of democracy and capitalism, and in a way that shows we can win, win big, and limit the consequences.
So here is where we’re going to focus our military strength, allowing us to fix things in places where the risk is low and we can recapture our geopolitical mojo: Uruguay, Finland and Gabon. They’re safe and they’re stable, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need some improvements. They aren’t America, after all.
So we’ll leave the messy spots to the rest of the rich world, and let them see how they like it. We’ll send our young men and women into Montevideo, Helsinki and Libreville. From there, they can fan out into the hinterlands and help introduce the people to the trappings of the greatest country the world has ever known – quesalupas, teeth whitening strips and the like.
I invite you to join the movement, and in advance, let me just say: You’re welcome.