I have friends from California. Hope this doesn’t offend them.
Living In California
You know you live in California if . . .
• You make over $250,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.
• It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You can’t remember… is pot legal?
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• You can’t remember… is pot legal?
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• It’s sprinkling out, and there’s a report on every news channel about “THE STORM!”
• Hey… is pot legal?
• Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
• Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what’s happening.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
• Yeah, you’re sure…? Pot is legal.
• And finally, a question: Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Not Applicable. Californians cannot afford to turn on the light.
Navajo Translation for space astronauts
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”
UP: Be prepared to not give UP hope! More meanings than any other two-letter word
What two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word? The word is “UP.” It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n]or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP), and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page, and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now … my time is UP!
Oh… one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
Did that one crack you UP?