Sizing up the duck hunting grounds –
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead.
The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. “I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity. “Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
“Go see if that was a duck, will you?”
Taking Too Many Seats: How to remove an uncooperative old man at a concert
An elderly man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The responding officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied, “The balcony…”
Ugly Suit Salesman: Taking a risk on a bad sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”
Missed Exam: Exam Scam 4U
Two friends were so confident going into their University of Tennessee final that the weekend before finals (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to UT until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Murdoch after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could makeup the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Professor Murdoch had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth five points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”
Picking lemons most of your life?
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position.
“Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.
“Well, I think I do,” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
Restless Natives: Natives warn of beating of drums
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.
“What are those drums?” asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said, “No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop.”
They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
“Do as I do! Very important!” intoned the guide with great urgency.
“Why? What does this mean?” asked the panicked anthropologist.
“Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!”
Migratory Bird Tags: Notice to all campers
The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
That was until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Fishing Chores – Tradeoffs made for a weekend of fishing
Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place…
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy:“That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’ll build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
“I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, ’Fishing, or Love?’ and she said, ’Wear a sweater.’ ”